The Show Must Go On

This is a tough post to write because it isn’t what I want to say so much as what I need to say.  If you read it, I thank you dearly, because the topic is not fun. It's still important.

If you live in the US and you have a conscience and a soul, the last few months and years have been a constant parade of insanity and misery.

No foreign enemy, no invading alien and no natural disaster could do as much damage to our lives, safety and happiness as the president and his lackeys strive for every single day.  We’re so far past the point of overkill, it feels like nothing is safe, nothing is sacred and the only way to survive is to try to buffer ourselves in the people and things that can still manage to give us any joy or safety before the government tries to destroy those too.

This is not a political rant.

I think it’s important to really be cognizant of how this constant trauma has impacted us in ways that we might sometimes be too distracted or overwhelmed to realize.

I have always been a very social person.  I love conversations.  But even more than that, I’ve always tried to respond to most people who reached out to me in good faith, whether or not they really had much to say or were particularly skilled at conversation.  This is just part of my desire to be a kind person.

I’ve noticed, however, that over the past few years, a few things have started to change me, drain me and sap me of what I once thought was infinite patience.  

One I already talked about.  Another is some major health issues I’ve had over the past two years.  The short version is that my body seems to be breaking down, causing me pain in various ways, some of which doctors haven’t figured out why.  So I keep adding more and more medications to help me feel as normal as I can, never really sure if the problem was temporary or permanent.

Another is just my family, my friends and myself growing old.  My parents are still alive, but they’re very old and some of them are barely hanging on.  Facing the mortality of not just my family but myself is something I’ve only been able to prepare for by avoidance and numbing myself.  I know that’s not a good solution and I’m looking for others, but time is running out.

I’m not trying to be sad or dismal here.  I’m also not trying to sugar coat it because we all know about toxic positivity.

The point is that when all this bad piles up on someone, no matter how strong or hopeful or great they are, they’re still human.  They still have feelings and vulnerabilities.  I consider myself a resilient person, but the many stresses and anxieties I’ve carried with me weigh heavier and heavier.

I can see myself not responding to people as fast or frequent as I used to, even some friends.  There are days when I see a message and I just don’t have the social energy because I’m running at a deficit all the time and always searching for someone or something that can get my levels back up instead of mostly draining them.

To be clear, I’m not saying people reach out with the intent of draining them.  Some friends who know me well know what I need, some perhaps not so much, or maybe they just aren’t close enough to me to provide the things that keep me going.  That’s not a fault, it’s just a reality.  When I have the ability and the energy I’m perfectly happy to give more than I receive.  I want to help.  But the reserves are not what they used to be and I am forced to keep turning to the things that I can still be effective at.

Like my characters.  

They are not humans with demands and flaws and diseases and fears.

They are loving and attractive with smiles that never stop.  The only frailties they have are ones I grant them to seem more real.  Isn’t that fucked up?  To make them seem more real I have to give them flaws because reality is pain and failure in addition to love and joy.  But I resist because other than my friends, they are my last safe space to go.

I can talk about all the shit that I’m dealing with, in the hopes that people understand or even desire to understand why Croc isn’t as Croc lately, or I can post another cute photo and inspirational message, not a false one, but one I’m clinging to to convince myself as much as trying to convince you or anyone else.

Maybe I’m only still here and doing what I can because I’m so lucky to have the amazing friends that I do.

They are cool water in a brutal desert, warmth in a bitter ice age.  Spending time with my friends is medication for the soul.  There’s no exaggeration.  It’s one of the few things I can rely on to feel real actual joy and keep the demons squarely at bay.  Those of you who are closest to me have likely heard me tell you again and again and again how much you mean to me, I don’t mind making you sick of hearing it because my gratitude is endless.

Shit sucks and I don’t have to tell you that.  Being alive tells you repeatedly every minute.

But I’m not giving up, so please don’t either.  I hope heaven or reincarnation is a thing, but in the event it isn’t, we have to act like this might be the only reality we get, and even though we got shafted, we still have to try to make it as good as we can for others and for ourselves.

I’m going to fight for joy with whatever I have left until I’m all completely gone and spent.

We talk about heroes but I think we need to realize that real heroes don’t have superpowers.  They ARE vulnerable, sometimes even fragile.

Most heroes aren’t loved and known and ever given what they deserve.  They are the ones who ignore the insults and the bullets and the pain and keep trying to help people live meaningful lives.  I think many of us would like to be heroes but think we’re not capable of it.

That’s because you’re going by a definition that’s either wrong or outdated.

Can you have compassion and love for people, even when they aren’t like you?  Can you help people even when it isn’t necessarily going to benefit you?  Can you bring a smile to someone even when you feel like crying?  That’s heroism.  You don’t have to cure cancer or save a falling bus of children.

You just have to keep trying to be good in a world that tries to ruin you more than help you.

That’s all?  Just that?  Easy peasy!

I’m joking of course.  Things are not the same as they used to be.  And to be clear I’m not saying yesteryear was some kind of wonderful golden age.  No matter how rosy my view of the 80s was because I was a kid who didn’t need to worry about a lot of shit, I know some people struggled through it and many died. But we had hope that we'd grow as people, we'd keep making the progress we'd been making.

Then we went from Obama to Imbecile Satan.  Nothing will ever be the same after this.  I’m not being hyperbolic here.  We have to be careful not to normalize this insanity, this evil, this human disease which aggressively tries to ruin everything it is aware of.  How can we judge by the old measures?  The curve with which we grade on has been forever obliterated.

Still, we are here, and we can cling to each other with what we have.  We can still love, we can still care.  

We can still be heroes, even when we feel more like victims being punished for crimes we didn’t commit.

So please, when you might be tempted to wonder why someone isn’t as friendly or cheerful or talkative, remember this.  Why you aren’t getting as much as you might want from someone.  It’s not because you suck, or because they suck, or because you’ve gotten worse or they have.  It’s because these TIMES suck and they suck our very life force away.

Don’t be silently slighted.  Reach out, and if you honestly care, ask how they are and don’t flinch from the response you might get.  Remember that in addition to the common struggles we all share, there's also all the things we don't see that people are dealing with.

People still need to vent.  Don’t punish people for their honesty unless they are being cruel under the guise of honesty.  Honesty does not need to be mean.

That person you see who always seems happy and upbeat, the one you might feel jealous of or maybe even resent a little because you are struggling and they don’t seem to be…?

Guess what.  They might also be struggling but they know that there’s so much struggle now that people don’t want or need to read or hear more struggle.  They may just be trying to be useful.  They may be trying to help.  It doesn’t mean that’s going to make your troubles go away.  But effort is still honorable and should be recognized.

So don’t assume people are okay even if they seem okay.  Don’t assume they aren’t okay.  Maybe just don’t assume, and communicate with sincerity instead.

If you have the ability to give kindness and support and love, give as much as you can.  If you’re scraping the barrel, that’s okay.  No one can give what they don’t have to give.  If you have friends you trust, reach out to them if you need to.  No one wants to be needy, but real friends don’t want you to suffer in silence, alone.  Real friends want to help you as much as they can.

And this is important to note: we all have friend levels.  The people who make us feel best are the ones we are closest to and will give the most of ourselves to.  That’s life, that’s human nature.  If someone you like a lot isn’t giving you very much, it’s important to really be realistic and consider if we’re looking at the situation accurately.  What do they even have to give? Are they someone with a lot of friends?  Are they someone who tries to do a lot and is always busy?  Do we have something we provide to them that helps them feel good or be the best them?  Sometimes we might not and that’s just the way it is.  No one owes anyone, that’s why when people are good to you it’s so special.

I will never feel as positive about myself as other people might, and honestly I’m okay with that.  I’d rather other people have a higher opinion of me than I do.  The reverse is much worse.  I want to set goals for myself I might struggle to reach.  Not because I love failure but because I want to always be striving for better.  I already feel like I can’t live up to my potential but I am starting to realize that I can only do my best, and what I thought might be my best might just be pipe dreams of best case scenario instead of reality, which can be quite harsh.

Lastly, I urge perspective, perspective, perspective.

Most of the time, no matter how bad something feels, someone else is suffering much more.

That does not invalidate your pain.  It doesn’t mean you have to be grateful for it.  Perspective means that your pain is valid, but not necessarily more valid or dire than someone else’s.  Humility will never not be admirable.

Being humble is like a +2 to charisma.  It’s just attractive.  Don’t be arrogant.  If you feel the need to sing your praises instead of others singing them, that’s probably a bad sign unless you’re in a job interview.

Be the kind of person you hope to find in the world.  I can’t be a cute gator or a protective wolf all of the time so I will be them as much as I possibly can and more with the people who have earned more from me.  I will give them every last atom of myself, it is all I have to give.

Consider this a sort of mental hug from me to you.  But also an explanation perhaps, if I don’t seem as great as I used to, if I ever seemed great at all.  I’m still fighting, just the obstacles and the hazards have increased.

Hell it’s been forever since I ever used this thing, and here I am coming back with THIS.  I’m sorry.  But I can’t talk about the importance of honesty and communication and not be real with you.

Things fucking suck, but you don’t have to.   Well, unless you’re doing that for fun, then give it all you got. ;)

Take care of yourselves, and each other.  Be patient, be sympathetic, be careful, be sincere, be open, be the best you.

If you have special people in your life, discover them as much as you can while you still can. Ask questions, be curious but also respectful. Listen as much as you talk. Cherish them and they are more likely to cherish you.

This gator, wolf and fucked up but earnest human still care about you.

Let's make 'em remember we were here, and they couldn't ruin us, no matter how hard they tried.