I don't know about you guys...but I had a great 2021. And I write that with no sense of cynicism, sarcasm, anger, or even resentment. To me, no year has never been perfect as we often tend to see it all through a global scale and often neglect the personal, smaller side of things that contribute to our life stories. Yes, 2020 reigns as one of the worst because it was a year that forced us to become one as we saw our inept leaders struggle to control a dangerous pandemic because of political biases, we saw a rise in hate crimes towards marginalized communities, and overall, it made us all see how vulnerable we truly are in the end despite being a highly functional, privileged society. And yet as the smoke begins to clear on the fire that was 2020 into 2021, we still had many fires raging on a social and global level; the pandemic was still going around thanks to variants emerging due to the slow adoption rate of vaccines in some countries, hate crimes were still prevalent, and political tensions were more than prevalent (especially in January 6th). But despite that, there was a sense of bittersweet health recovery in that many of the things we took for granted slowly came back, despite restrictions. There were improvements all around the world, and many just felt some sort of relief after 2020. But you wouldn't know that if you were to just stay at home, watch the news 24/7, and read social media as they all paint a sort of "End of Times" mindset that at times comes off as fear mongering for the sake of clicks, ratings, and viewership. After all, it has been proven than in 2020 many companies and media outlets made record-breaking profit numbers because if they could keep an audience locked inside and make them watch your content, they will become accustomed to the mindset it presents. I like to reflect on the year through my own personal lens; yes, I still keep in mind all the good and bad that happened and what kind of impact it has had on me and my fellow human beings. But to relegate all of MY life to everything that happened globally and ignore all the good and bad that happened to my own world is to neglect the growth I had gained. There were many great things that happened to me in 2021 in spite of what has happened globally...and in spite of the major loss that happened to me in late summer. In 2021, I was able to discover new friends as well as re-connect with older ones once restrictions began to lift, entertainment wise I discovered a lot of new stories and characters to love, such as Arlo the Alligator Boy, the heroes of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Long the Wish Dragon and many more. I saw a nostalgic comfort character make a grand entrance to Super Smash Bros Ultimate in Sora from Kingdom Hearts, and career wise I have been able to maintain a healthy set of hours with new opportunities of career growth being given to me by the end of the year which I am more than proud of. If we are speaking furry, the return of conventions, specifically Megaplex 2021, made it for a grand homecoming where I could unleash all the pent-up energy and have fun with my fellow fuzzbutts. This leads to one of my own biggest personal tragedies of 2021; the death of my father due to COVID. Both of my parents being in the hospital due to COVID and not knowing what their fates would be was something that shattered my heart and soul, and while mom was able to recover and return home...dad never came back. Prior to his passing, I had suffered so much sleepless nights, so much stress and anxiety, and so much loneliness that I gave up on me and just wanted to end it all. His passing and my grief was a very complex, layered one that I had to take steps in surpassing as best as I could because once my father was cremated and mom was being treated for post-COVID...life had to go on. That's one very bittersweet thing about life; it continues even when you are hurt. You have to put on a brave face and continue living. I understood this reality and took great strengths in taking grieving counseling and therapy to slowly and eventually accept the death of my father. And even with that tragedy being a significant part of my year, it showed me how amazingly kind people can be. One would be led to believe that people have stopped all sense of compassion to pursue selfish needs, but I saw this year how people came to our aid when we most needed them as the cost of cremating my father and staying afloat as I returned to work made it hard to adapt. People without asking any questions helped me afford rent, pay the cremation bills, get mom her medication, and have food to eat. I was moved as I saw that people saw in me a heart worth loving and caring for and assured me that even in some decided to turn my loss into their own personal show many just showed their compassion. Outside of my own life, I saw many people live their best lives; many bought homes, started families, got engaged, got married, saw new career opportunities rightfully be given to them, re-connected with old friends and family, and most importantly, used what they had learned in 2020 to become a better member of society beyond just performative activism. These are things still worth celebrating because once more in a less than ideal social climate people still saw the opportunity to grow, be happy, and celebrate life. But once again, you would be led to think otherwise if all you do is watch the news or just stay on social media. It's ironic how now more than ever we live in an age where we are the most connected and have so many sources of information it has become such an echo chamber where similar ideas were only welcomed and rooms for discussions nearly became a thing of the past. You would think that this new sense of broad scopes would help people understand that life is not black and white and that the only way we can survive, and grow is to listen and get to know each other. But instead it kinda has created self-contained bubbles that want you to think like them, have the same opinions, the same thoughts or otherwise suffer widespread "cancellation" and face the "outrage" of people. That's why I decided to ignore all of that and judge my year through my own lens; seeing the triumphs both big and small, see the tragedies that went on to help understand the complexities of society, and learn from the tragedies I faced to help me path my own future. It's honestly easier said than done because on a personal level some people can't surpass their own tragedies, and some will see the whole state of the world as a litmus-test of their own self-worth. But it can be done because no matter what happens, life goes on and on, and you either got to pick yourself up when down, or stay forever down.

On September 10, 2021, as the sun began to rise, the sun was setting on my father, Pedro Juan Hernandez Colon, as his battle with COVID-19 had ended with him leaving in peace. By that time, my family and I had accepted his fate and would no try to go against it and agreed to let the nurses and doctor let him go peacefully. Prior to this, though, I went through one of the worst existential and emotional meltdowns yet, one caused by inconsistent information overload, constant isolation, uncertainty and a lot more. Both my mother and father were sent to the hospital due to being infected by COVID-19. Now I want to make this clear statement; I am not going to turn this into some sort of "SEE WHY THE VACCINES AND MASK ARE IMPORTANT?' because I feel it's neither here nor there. Yes, I know some get morbid joy out of watching anti-vaxxers and COVID deniers get their comeuppance and want to say "THEY HAD IT COMING", but I came at a point where trying to argue the effectiveness of the vaccine would be tone deaf as all of us just wanted to be home together and recover. Well, that was my naive mindset at first. Mom had been more than staple and recovering, and because she was in a regular hospital room, I could talk to her and stay updated. She was alert despite everything so at least one worry was lifted. My father, however, was a much different story. He was a man that had almost every illness known to man; from cancer to diabetes, to bad kidneys, heart attacks and strokes. This is why the argument for vaccines was almost moot as his body was already way too weak to handle even basic treatment. So even if he looked like he would be recovering just like mom was, on a Sunday morning I was disrupted by my sister desperately banging on the door, and I half asleep went and saw her while she yelled "CALL MOM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, DIED GOT WORSE OVERNIGHT, HE'S ON A VENTILATOR!", and then just ran off, while I ran to call mom to confirm it, and yes, he was put on a ventilator as his oxygen levels dropped severely overnight. This is where the game of telephone as I like to call it began, both literally and metaphorically. You see, I am someone that likes to sleep with his turn off because I don't want any obnoxious alerts or spam calls from telemarketers to disrupt the sleep I can get. But this was a medical situation and because I was the only one in the family that was both readily available AND spoke fluent English, I had no choice but to keep it on. Thus began a series of painful, annoying, depressing and ultimately heartrending calls that lasted for WEEKS. When I say that this started the game of telephone, what I mean is that every day I would get a call from a different nurse or doctor taking care of dad in the Intensive Care Unit, thus giving me their take on how his condition was from day to day...or even hours to hours. It was like if ten of my closest friends went to see the same movie over the weekend and they all told me what they thought of it and the opinions are WILDLY varied, but none exactly painted a clear picture of what I would expect from it. Some would say "OH HE'S DOING GREAT HE OPENED HIS EYES HE'S REACTING WELL TO MEDICATION" to "HE HAS NO LUNGS THE RONA ATE HIM ALIVE GET THE FUNERAL HOME READY!". This game of telephone drove my anxiety and emotions to their maximum level as being calm knowing he was fine one minute to then getting a call the same day to tell me that he was dying was like they intentionally grabbed my heart and pulled it in ALL directions to see how quickly they would break me. And break me they did...Boy, they broke me something fierce. Let me tell you, I have had my fair share of heartrending moments where I have been told that I was useless and worthless to threats towards my family and all, things that would send someone over the edge. But this, it was a group effort but they did it. On the eve of my father's passing I was disturbed YET AGAIN by calls, this time saying that dad was dying...right after mom's doctor had seen him at the ICU and said that he was more than fine and recovering. I couldn't handle it anymore as I felt like everyone was trying to force an opinion of a reality that was not what was happening. Thus, not only did I go through all the several stages of grief, I went through some other ones like imposter syndrome to survivor's guilt. For you see, I believed that this was some form of punishment for being selfish, that all the good things people said about me were lies as I was nothing but a worthless scam that just existed to make everyone else's lives worse. I believed I was a waste of oxygen, and that the one that should have been lying in bed dying with machines on me was me, not my father or my mother. I was constantly crying, having trouble breathing, could not eat, was short of vomiting and many other things. It may have been a legit Post Traumatic Stress Disorder episode as some friends would describe it. It was hard to believe in anything as I felt nothing had value, everything was a lie, including my own life. But why did I drop that low? Was it a genuine thought that came out during a very dark moment that allowed it to over my heart, mind and soul, or was it a physical reaction to weeks worth of emotional stress caused by the uncertainty and misinformation by everyone? The answer would be a combination of both; yes, it WAS hard to believe in anything because I was given so many opinions, diagnosis and ideas that it confused my mind into a state of disbelief, but also my mind had been put through the ringer allow it to release my inner emotional demons. On that night, I was able to recover thanks to the wisdom of an old dear friend of mine, and had calmed down and began to accept the fact that dad would pass away. But then we got another call; but this time it was different. It was a female doctor, she formally introduced herself, explained what her role was and gave me the actual story; dad was indeed dying and had very few breaths left in him. She calmly told me all of that not in a cynical, cold manner but in a manner that understood that I was being told something lifechanging. In other words; she treated me like a human being. As she said that the weight of reality started to set in, and asked me if should his heart stop should they perform CPR or let him go in peace. I talked to my mother and sister, and we all nodded in agreement to let him go in peace as he had suffered long enough, not just from COVID. As the sun was rising on September 10, the sun had finally set on my father. It was a new reality that I now has to face and accept. Not only that, I had to take on a new role; be the representative that arranged the cremation services as well as my mother's confidant and own personal assistant during her recovery and in handling information, calls from friends and family and such. This began a new chapter in my life where the thing I feared most as a child was my reality as an adult, and it was both a humbling and empowering experience as well as equally tiring and stressful. But the more I did it, the more at peace I felt, and the more I talked to my friends about the great memories of my dad, the happier I felt. I had reached full catharsis by this point. It's amazing how all it takes is what was likely a PTSD meltdown to make you realize how wrong you are about yourself and how strong and lucky you are. Will I have scars from this experience that I will have to address at some point? Most likely, but I learned so much from this, making me realize that sometimes life will force you to lead, even if you don't want to, and it can be a rewarding thing on its own right. I also came to this realization; no matter what I would have done, if it was going to happen, it was going to happen. We pretend to think that we have a lot of control of our lives and the lives of others, but even the best laid out plans can lead to failure and while many people would try to find someone to blame, themselves included, sometimes circumstances can say otherwise. We all wish we could all live in a film in which if we were to experience failure, we could find a way to fix it. If the Avengers had lost the first time to Thanos and they saw half of the world snap away, they figured out a complicated way to use time travel to find a way to reverse what Thanos had done. In the film, they did it. But even when they did it, they still had to lose the lives of many beloved people, thus confirming that death is certain and for a life to live, sometimes one has to set. Morbid, I know, but my father has passed away. No amount of crying, praying, anger and resentment is going to bring him back. Even if I could go back in time to alert my future self of what would happen, chances are fate would still intervene to have the outcome be different but with the same results. In this mindset, one may think that I am being cynical. But on the contrary; I am offering the most uplifting and optimistic way to cope with a major loss in my life, all things considered. I believe that I will have episodes in which I will be hit by grief and some intrusive thoughts may come in at the worst time. But feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry, or resentful can't change anything, so the best thing to do is...live my best life. My father lived his life, I was part of it. Now that his life has ended, it's my time to keep living my life. Even with this loss I feel these has been the best years of my life, being able to find friends that love and accept me for who I am, love my eccentricity, and discover sides of myself that were hidden or were newly discovered. I am thankful that dad was able to be part of it and eventually came to love me for who I was rather than feel disappointed that I was not the "ideal son" he sometimes would bemoan in his younger years. My words, of course, don't reflect everyone's own journeys in life as many either just pretend it never happened or instead be ridden by grief till the end of their days, and that's something to respect as the least I want is to be like those doctors and nurses who kept calling me to try and dictate how I should react to whatever was going on with that. But sometimes the pain numbs, especially if you let it numb.

Furry Drama...OK, you know what? No, I will take away the furry part now. DRAMA is often artificial outrage created by people to make sure there is a good enough level of attention and audience engagement that keeps them coming back for more. The best example of this is reality TV. It's almost common sense that reality TV, whether it be a competition show or a "THESE STRANGERS ARE DOING THESE THINGS IN A STRANGE WAY WHAT WACKY HIJINXS WILL ENSURE?" type, is often manufactured to create narratives out of the plight and insecurities of every day people and make them either the hero or the villain depending on what engagement the audience is getting out of it. The good thing though is that with the accessibility of the internet creating platforms we can share our thoughts on, people have made it so that they can examine and study how these moments of artificial drama can have real life consequences and effects beyond a screen. And thus with enough pressure many are forced to change things up to make it more transparent about their intentions and strive for a better experience that doesn't compromise the integrity of those involved. What about "furry" drama, though? Why aren't there people examining how drama on social media really is artificial and often created by someone seeking to create a narrative that gets people fuming at the mouth and engaging in the worst manner possible? Turns out there is... A Critique of Controversy in the Furry Fandom Kabba the Fox explains it better than I could, using the oh so controversial topic of poodling as an example. The video, though, was made in January of 2020, mere months before the world seemingly started to burn and suddenly people had to take that anger and vent it elsewhere. Soon the blatant need for attention turned into an attempt to be more radical, more righteous and more in tune with what was going on in the world. A lot of good came out of this as furries were in a way forced to see that behind the rainbow colored fursuits there were real people with real problems that compromised their safety in the fandom. But the bad is that suddenly people came out of the woodwork to start drama for their benefit disguised as a way to alert the fandom. The short version of it is that often these moments of dramas are really just passive aggressive attacks at people who they don't like so they will find something from their past that is decades long and bring it to light so that everyone can see how horrible they are. Or someone makes a hot take about popular furries, trends in the fandom, fursuiters, and the ever so dreaded "FURRY SHOULD NOT BE OPEN ABOUT THE ADULT STUFF!'. All of this comes from a place of wanting to create a narrative in which the poster IS the hero, the subject at hand is the villain and those watching and participating are fanning the flames to create a bonfire where no one ever wins. This is amplified even further by furry YouTubers who spend their time making videos about bad people in the fandom, making current drama even worse by dedicating long videos to it, some reacting to them saying they are part of the problem. Again, ALL of it is because people want to be part of a story in which THEY are right and everyone should agree or go the Hell home! And yet, people wonder...why is there drama in the furry fandom? Truth is that the "furry" drama is really a human condition that we have been taught to make a spectacle out of because we love it, we enjoy seeing others pop-off while others cheer them on. Jerry Springer didn't get famous because he had insightful topics about the human condition, and Maury Povich didn't make a whole legacy out of saying "you are NOT the father" because they wanted to create the best relationship possible; they are all part of a system that will use a "noble" cause to elevate drama to the extend that it becomes a circus without a ringmaster. If you have seen Kabba's video by now, then you know what his conclusion was...there really was no one making elitist, judgmental and harsh comments on poodling as a whole. No one knew where it came from, no one new why it was a hot-button topic...but everyone went along with the narrative because it is easier to follow everyone else than to just stop and question WHY this is going on. Drama is often about fighting a threat that never really existed and some will try to put a face to it so the target becomes easier. I would genuinely love to say that we can escape drama if we just don't engage in it and avoid it, because the truth is that drama is everywhere you look; at work, at school, at home. It's almost human instinct to be upset over nothing just to gain some form of instant validation without the effort it requires to get it. The best we can do is identify it when we see it, don't give them the attention and don't let them drag you down, and most importantly, don't engage when it becomes beneficial for you to do so. It's hard, but not impossible. At the end of the day, this is about your own general sense of judgment and learning to choose your fights. The questions asked before engaging in any drama is "how am I benefitting from all of this? WHY this is a thing that should merit my attention? How will this improve the fandom and my life somehow?" or do what I do...scroll past it, block it if I must and move on. It is not me being compliant with any issue being talked about, it's me having enough mental fortitude to say that my mind and energy are better spent elsewhere than trying to rub someone's ego. And no, this does NOT have anything to do with post about real causes and movements like BLM, Stop Asian Hate, or focusing on criminally charged members of the community. Those two are very different, just that they get tangled in the same web because the end reaction it's the same; a narrative weaved into our lives in hopes that it catches enough people to make the narrative that much more explosive.