"It's getting harder
Just keeping life and soul together
I'm sick of fighting
Even though I know I should
The cold is biting
Through each and every nerve and fiber
My broken spirit is frozen to the core
I don't wanna be here no more.."
Nik Kershaw, "Wouldn't It Be Good"
For a significant period of my life, I’ve stressed about what my true purpose is, what special thing I was put on this earth to do.
Being labeled as gifted early in your life can have that effect.
Whenever you discover you have a natural talent for something, you don’t really get to just enjoy it for long before you feel like you have to translate that ability into impressive results in order to justify having it.
I’ve never succeeded wildly in anything, except maybe surviving. But I’m realizing that surviving is nothing to be scoffed at when so much of the world is doing it’s damnedest to prevent that.
Maybe I’m being too harsh with myself. I have done well with making good friends. I have amazing people in my life, and certainly I must have done something well enough to have that. I didn’t win them off a scratch off ticket or buy them on Amazon.
And in one way, I found my purpose. Or at least what I think will have to pass for it, which is just trying to be a good person and a great friend. The anxious “gifted” part of me says that’s a lame cop out, but the wiser part of me who has been alive over 50 years says it’s perfectly legit and even laudable.
If you’re like me and a lot of our friends, you’re feeling a drowning wave of bad emotions over what just happened again, against all logic and decency.
You can’t make it make sense, because it just doesn’t. It’s like a smug overconfident writer wrote a terrible story where the bad guys just keep somehow winning despite endless idiotic choices. Except it’s worse because unlike the last season of Game of Thrones, you can’t just choose to turn it off or not watch it. You’re in it; we’re ALL starring in it, even if we are uncredited and unpaid extras.
But I learned a lot eight years ago going through this. About myself, about the feelings of helplessness I got, about how to survive and cope. I learned that avoidance isn’t always a terrible option when you cannot affect an outcome. I learned that self-care can sometimes seem an awful lot like constant distraction, even when it feels like it just keeps you from all those really cool self-improvement goals you have/had.
I’m not here to pretend that horrible things aren’t happening, or won’t happen. Denying reality is how we got to worst timelines like this. But I am here to tell you that you are not powerless to make the world better.
When awful things happen, it just becomes all the more crucial for us to stop ourselves from spiraling and think about what matters to us, how we can protect it, and how we can hold onto whatever hope we have and keep trying to make life better for others. And no matter what the evil bastards do, we will still have that power, maybe not in the giant ways we want it, but still in ways that matter.
It starts with realizing that you can’t help anyone if you are completely lost yourself.
You have to find ways to feel positive emotions. Spend time doing the things you love, or with the people or animals you love. Maybe help strangers in small ways when the opportunity presents itself. Everything you do to help someone else is important, but you can’t neglect your own needs and safety in the process of trying to help others.
If you need to avoid certain things to stay grounded and feel okay, do it. If it’s people you need to avoid, and the consequences of doing so are not worse than subjecting yourself to them, do that.
If you need to lose yourself in simple mindless pleasures for a while, it’s okay. Just be mindful that even though your social batteries might be very low, you don’t want to lose touch with anyone who you know loves and cares about you. Even if you just tell them “hey, love you but I might be quiet for a while.”
Don’t try to live the next four years in one week. Day by day, or if that’s too slow for you, week by week.
Do the things that you would want to do if things were better, don’t just give up things that make you happy because “nothing matters” or “this isn’t as important as other people’s suffering”. If you can contribute to ease the suffering of others, by all means go for it. But if you don’t have the means and the only thing you will really be contributing is endless emotional stress that you privately crack under the weight of, please don’t.
Listen to the music that makes you happy or relaxed or inspired. Music will always be our friend even in the darkest of times. It can be a very effective emotional regulator or detox if you let it.
Watch the movies or shows that make your heart glow, or the ones that are so engrossing that you can forget how fucking terrible the people who run most of the world are for a while.
Tell the people you love not just that you love them, but why you love them. Make sure they know that they can talk to you when their heart is burdened, but also when it’s full and they just want to share something they’re excited about, even if it is different from what excites us.
Become skilled at enjoying and being fueled by the joy that you can inspire in other people through your words and actions. You may find that caring means that when they are sad, you can’t not feel sad too, and that’s okay to have empathy and bond over adversity, but if you can be strong for them sincerely, it will mean a lot.
Get well acquainted with “I love you” and “I’m sorry” and “You are not a burden, I am here for you.”
You don’t have to cure cancer, or write that hit song you know you have inside of you, or complete that novel you’re sure you could write if only you’d really put your mind to it. You don’t have to lose that 30 pounds to be someone worth loving. You still get to make mistakes and have bad days. Be kind to yourself, but also those who didn't deserve this either.
You can just be a person who is committed to not giving up and being the best version of themselves that they can be, someone who thinks other people also deserve to be happy if their happiness doesn’t come from oppressing others’ ability to be happy.
Once you really let your heart embrace the fact that you are special enough merely by choosing to love and respect yourself and others in your words and deeds, you’ve gotten farther than many people ever will.
I did not even anticipate that the older I got the more it would feel like we were going backwards in social progress. I didn’t realize that the things that I always took for granted would be so violently upended in infuriating and soul-crushing ways. But of all the great things I thought I could or should be and have slowly, begrudgingly let go of as time and reality set in, I still am a damn good survivor. But not just.
I am someone who thrives by helping others thrive, even when thriving seems nearly impossible.
I am the ant who when some giant bully stomps the anthill, will just start building a new pathway again.
I have a high emotional pain threshold and even though that wouldn’t be the neat super skill I would choose from a list, it is certainly an unfortunately timely ability.
We were never going to live forever, and the dumbest among us are in a race to extinction, dragging us along with them. But we can still live with love and compassion, with emphasis on the passion. We can make our lives count, we can win by not letting the worst people control us and what gives our lives meaning.
Fight if you have the means and the strength to make a dent in the machine that wants to consume us.
If you’re tired of fighting or you just aren’t good at it, there will always be good people to give love and assistance to, and that's at least as good as fighting.
When my time to be here is over, I won’t ever have a Wikipedia page or my name on a building, but as long as it stays in the hearts and minds of the people I love and cherish, I’ve succeeded. If I helped anyone have a slightly better life, year or day, that was, and is, something to be proud of.
To all of you who are struggling but have love in your hearts, I see you, and I wish I could give part of myself to you in more than just inspiring words. You are valid - but not just valid, you are unique, powerful and important and never let hateful assholes ever convince you that you are anything less.
People who need to control you do so because they’re afraid of your courageous individuality and jealous of your unrepentant joy. Give them absolutely nothing, not even the contempt they richly deserve, it is a terrible waste of your beautiful and precious energy.
They may think they’ve won, but they are fundamentally incapable of victory, because they have built their empire upon misery and lies, and nothing of true value or meaning can ever grow from such toxicity. We can't afford to let their tyranny make us into the hateful, fearful people they are.
So process your (justifiable) negative emotions however you need to in order to get them out, and then do your best to let it all go and refocus on all the ways you can find the peace and joy you deserve, while also helping others to. It's not impossible, but it will be challenging.
But most everything in life that is truly valuable, is.
“There is freedom within
There is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead
Many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're travelling with me..”
Crowded House, “Don’t Dream It’s Over”
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